


That which the stars find unknowable

by Bikmui



Series: The stars themselves cannot contain us [4]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark Star, Alternate Universe - Odyssey, Character Study, Confessional, Gen, Minor Established Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-09 06:04:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bikmui/pseuds/Bikmui
Summary: He had no heart, yet even so...





	That which the stars find unknowable

**Author's Note:**

> As is tagged, there is some minor Kayn/J4 in this fic. It isn't the focus of the story, however.

_“Abandon hope all ye who enter here.”_

- _Divine Comedy_ , Dante Alighieri

* * *

There were many things in the world that Jarvan no longer could understand. As he looked down upon the worlds that lay before him, drawn into the infinite mass within the centre of his being, he watched the mortals – so tiny and insignificant, their screams were no more than the sound of ants’ footsteps and their very beings impossible even for him to see. What was it to feel fear? To feel pain? To look upon the impossible beauty – the endless, endless darkness within him – and pray to a being that did not exist?

Such were useless questions. Things he could never understand, could never bring himself to understand, would never care to truly understand. And yet…

Even so, it was an odd curiosity. Something to pass the time, in a way. He could feel no pleasure as worlds circled the darkness in his core, could feel nothing as entire galaxies slowly drew apart, stars and planets torn into the most basic of building blocks as they fell beyond that point where everything became an infinite _nothing_.  

What was it to feel shame? What was it to fear the retribution of the gods? He did not know – would never know, even if he desired to learn. To fear punishment for such intangible feelings was an entirely illogical thing indeed, yet a behaviour he had observed amongst so many species.

Was it perhaps that to fear was to be alive?

* * *

“The Light’s blessing be upon you, child. What is it that burdens your heart?”

Jarvan started at the familiar voice, jumping in his seat, before finally nodding to himself and directing his attention toward the grate, which offered the semblance of privacy – a semblance within which he found comfort, even if the priest surely could recognise his voice. He looked down at his hands as he fiddled with them, struggling to find the words. Struggling to admit the weight of sin upon his soul.

“I do not know where to begin,” he admitted softly.

“Please take your time.”

Jarvan hummed softly as he considered the events of the past week – and all the things that had happened since the last time he came to confess his sins. Finally, he whispered, in a voice so soft it was only that the priest had grown accustomed to how bashful Jarvan became that he could hear his words at all: “I hold… lustful thoughts for the one dearest to me. I know I should not, and yet…”

“He is your fiancé now, is he not? Such thoughts are to be expected, albeit in moderation.”

“I always was taught that one should never have such sinful thoughts. All love should be pure and free of sin, even that shared between those who are to be wedded. At what point does one’s love become pure? At what pont does it change from being a product of lust to that of a true love? I do not understand…”

“Child.” The priest’s voice pulled him suddenly from his thoughts, the single syllable cutting through all the noise. “You will be able to know. Do you desire him out of love, or is it simply for the… desire of lust?”

“…I suppose…” Jarvan mused, unwilling to continue speaking of the topic. Indeed, he loved his fiancé immensely – had always loved him with all his heart. Even his love for the people of his Empire could not compete against the love he held for his most beloved. He was here to confess his sins, yet even now, he desired only to find Kayn and hold him tightly. Whisper the sweetest words to him and spend the day laying beside him in bed, imagining the world beyond did not have need of them. That they did not have duties that demanded time away from both of them.

“I have always loved him, you know?” Jarvan smiled shyly. “Even when we were children, there was only ever him. Perhaps… Not in the same way as I love him now, but… He was the only person I wanted to spend time with. Holding hands with him, even then, was…”

“It is a love that was always meant to be, child. Do you have any more sins to confess?”

Jarvan hummed softly to himself once more.

“There are times when… I remember the time I watched my people be killed before my very eyes, and the desire to rain vengeance upon them…” He stopped abruptly and looked away, his hand trembling as he clutched at his arm, as if somehow, that could stop the rising tide of _bitterness_ within him. The taste of blood in his mouth flooded his senses. Jarvan could _swear_ he could hear their screams at night, begging for mercy.

Begging for mercy on Jarvan’s behalf. Defiant eyes dimming, even as they repeated that endless mantra that made him sick to the stomach: it is fine to hurt them as much as they desired, so long as the Prince was fine.

It was why, now that he had all the power any human could desire, sitting upon the throne of the largest Empire in the galaxy, he had vowed never to allow another one of this people to suffer. He would protect them all. Each and every single one of them lived a life that was precious and meaningful, and he, blessed with such wonderful coincidence, had the opportunity to see this desire through.

“You are merciful indeed to resist the desires which come to you,” the priest said. “It is only human to face such sinful thoughts. Yet you do not give in to them. It is admirable of you.”

“Tha- thank you,” Jarvan said, even if he doubted the priest’s words. He had not yet given in to the desires that overwhelmed him whenever he remembered that happened, but he was only human. He did not doubt that the day would come that he, too weak to overcome that hatred harboured deep within him, might do something rash after all.  

“Is that all, child?”

Jarvan was quiet for a moment, then finally nodded. “Yes.”

“Then I absolve you of all sin. Do not forget to pray in the morning and before you go to bed. This is how you will overcome the sin in your life.”

“Thank you for your time, Father.”

“Live in peace, child of light.”

* * *

He looked down upon the creatures of the world as they screamed their despair. Their world was being drawn into the hole where once, his heart beat, and as their world was slowly torn apart, they could only fall to their knees and beg forgiveness from a god they could neither see nor feel.

“Forgive us…” Their voices were tiny, meaningless, yet insistent all the same. “Please, somehow, deliver us from this fate. We offer our lives, we offer everything we own in sacrifice to you, just save the children from this fate…”

And in that moment, he felt peace.

* * *

_“There is no sinner like a young saint.”_

-Aphra Behn


End file.
